Yep. Except for the swear (I prefer other swear words 🙂 )
Ack! An ENFP Without a Journal!
I always knew this day would come. Yet here I sit, woefully unprepared. Yes, that sounds dramatic, but I can’t stress enough the importance of a journal for me, and I suspect for most ENFPs (however rare we may be). And mine is missing (cue dramatic music and fainting damsel).
I didn’t realize the significance of this dilemma until this afternoon, as I tried to work through The Dreaded Chapter Three of my thesis. I sat staring at the academic articles before me and the computer screen in front of me, while about a million other thoughts danced around my brain. I’m pretty sure they were flirting with the amygdala section because I could feel my anxiety rising.
When I allowed myself to think about it, my anxiety was not due to school half as much as it was due to an upcoming work deadline and my mom’s impending bone marrow biopsy tomorrow. Oh, and I will be losing a large chunk of my job after December 31 (I knew that when I took the job, but apparently it is starting to get to me… I barely scrape by as it is, so facing the loss of a big portion of your income is huge).
Now let me explain something about ENFPs…we are the friends/significant others/acquaintences that hide our own feelings so we can help you feel better about yourself. Now, I am not complaining about this. It is what we do, and we are happy to do it. Some people think we are shallow or unable to have deeper connections. Not true. We feel. We feel a lot. We love deeply. but we need safe places to go to identify and share our feelings. And my journal was my safe place.
Those that are only peripherally familiar with Myers-Briggs might wonder what I am talking about since the “e” in ENFP stands for extroverted, not extra introverted. Why can’t I just talk my feelings out with a friend, they might ask. I suppose I can…if I had the time to see my friends right now! Plus, there are few I can be completely honest with. My journal is the friend that takes my vitriol, sweat, lust, tears, fears, and joy without my wondering if I should be ashamed or if what I just said offended someone. This is important because if I don’t have a venue for this ‘stuff’, then I can’t move on and be awesome (see my previous post).
I can’t believe I lost my friend. Once I’ve found her, I will try not to let her out of my sight…but I can’t guarantee anything, I am an ENFP after all! 🙂
My Methods, My Madness
While I wait for comments to come back on my literature review, I have now begun the slow process of crafting the methods of my research. It is slow because, just like my proposal and the lit review chapter, I am sabotaging myself by finding a million other things to do rather than work on my chapter. The maddening part is that I truly want to succeed and turn in my chapters early so my mentor has enough time to review them before turning them in to my section professor; but I continue this crazy behavior of doing the opposite of what I am supposed to do which indicates that I don’t want to succeed.
Maddening, right?
Thank goodness my school sees fit to make the book Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day, by Joan Bolker, required reading. I just came across a section that describes my madness perfectly…and even says it is normal to have these “interruptions from the inside!”
Because writing a dissertation is so often lonely work, the part of you that is social, that likes and needs companionship, will continually try to drag you out into company – or drag it in. Bolker (1998), p. 86
She then mentions an essay by William G. Perry Jr. called “Sharing in the Costs of Growth” that discusses change – even positive change – as catalysts for a process of grief. While I can’t exactly articulate it, I understand it.
The way out of this is recognizing it and starting again. That is what this blog is all about – recognizing these tendencies so I can move on and be awesome.
Turn in (mostly) completed draft: check!
Chapter 2, Draft 1: complete!
It needs A LOT of work yet, but I don’t think it is too terrible for a draft…just needs some filling in. I have always been a short, to-the-point writer. It is not unusual for me to have the shortest paper in the class. However, I still was able to get A’s and my prof’s have seemed to appreciate my style.
Once I turned in one and a half pages for what was supposed to be a 6 page paper. Got an A. You realize that I have to pump myself up about this by remembering these stories because I feel incredibly insecure about what I turned in tonight, right?
Goodnight, sleepyhead 🙂
Literature Review
I am writing this from my dark dining room. Time is running out. Time will kill me. I have been surviving on nothing but crackers and marshmallows for the past two days. They won’t let me leave.
They are filling my head with their theories and contradictions. Driving me mad. Pushing my ignorance away. My comforting ignorance; gone.
Plotting my revenge has been easy. I plan to burn them. Every last one. But not until I have used them as they abuse me.
Using them won’t be easy. There are too many of them. They outnumber me 30:1. They want me to run out of time. And they want me to use them.
I have become one of their contradictions. While time still grows short.
My Definition of Torture
I may have figured out why I am struggling so much with all this reading and writing for my thesis: I suck at working completely alone! I am a people person, a team player! I really dislike working on something that I have to dream up, plan, research, and handle all the details for all by myself.
I was so desperate to do anything but work on my thesis this morning that I spent the entire first half of the day cleaning the house and doing my laundry – two things I dislike almost as much as I dislike going to the dentist. Writing this post is the last non-thesis related thing I am doing today, so here’s to another day of writing!
Cheers!
Problem: Need food; Solution: Think like grandma
Here I am again, enjoying another tasty recipe thanks to my wandering mind. About a half hour ago I had to stop what I was doing because the protests from my stomach were becoming distracting. A quick look at the sparse offerings in our pantry, freezer, and refrigerator kicked my mind into high gear for some creative problem solving (it also made me wonder why I ever decided to go part-time, but that’s another tale for another day…).
Problem: Need food. Tasty food.
Solution: Think like grandma and work with what ya got.
Now, I don’t want to think exactly like grandma – as sweet and nurturing as she was, she was a terrible cook. This woman would literally ruin something as simple as buttered noodles – noodles that have been boiled and tossed with some butter. Ruined. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
But as a woman with little financial means, she sure knew how to use what she had on hand. I have been witness to many a casserole, whipped up in a matter of minutes from last week’s leftovers, this week’s leftovers, milk about to go bad, brick cheese, noodles, rice-a-roni, and eggs. She was a pro at throwing stuff together. The problem was that it very very very rarely tasted good. She was lucky that my step-grandpa adored her so much that he had his taste buds burned off (ok, so that may have been an embellishment, but we did often wonder how he could stand it).
Leftovers don’t last in our house since we take them in to work with us the next day, so I just stuck with hunting for what I had that sounded like it wouldn’t be too terrible. I found linguine, peas, milk, parmesan cheese, imitation lobster, and cream cheese and decided I had what I needed for a decent alfredo sauce. It isn’t gourmet, but tasty enough for me! In honor of my grandma, I named it:
Esther’s Super-fast Seafood Alfredo
2 servings
- 2Tbsp butter (but I really think this can be substituted with olive oil, and possibly even cut in half)
- 1 tsp garlic powder (don’t skimp on this one!)
- 4 oz cream cheese (I used the 1/3 less fat version)
- 1 cup of milk (I used 2%)
- About 3 oz parmesan cheese
- Pepper to taste (preferable freshly ground).
- 1 small package imitation lobster or crab
- Noodles of your choice – about 4-6 oz
- About 1 cup of peas or whatever other vegetable you’ve got that would go well
Get the water going for your noodles. While that gets started, melt the butter in a medium saucepan.
When the butter is melted, add the garlic powder and cream cheese. Whisk until smooth.
Start whisking the milk in, little by little until smooth. Add the parmesan cheese and pepper and again whisk until smooth. Taste the sauce. Is something missing? Add it. Cook until it reaches your desired consistency.
Add the peas to the noodles for the last 2-3 minutes of cooking time. Drain. Add the imitation lobster to the sauce and heat through. Toss the noodles and peas in with sauce and you are done!
I think Esther would be proud!
Ohmigosh I have so much to do…going offline now!
Ready…Set…Go!
After a rough night that was filled with some bad news on top of the realization that I am not even close to completing all the reading I need to do, I have decided to create a really good outline and just dive in and write! The past two weeks I have had a hard time getting through the journal articles I have been reading. They are written by experts for experts, so it is perfectly reasonable for a student (not yet an expert) to struggle.
But…I probably could have pushed myself more during the past two weeks – there was opportunity, but I didn’t always take it (to my credit, I sometimes made the choice to read instead of watch another episode of The Walking Dead).
During my two-year hiatus from school, it seems I have forgotten how much work it actually is. That no matter how tired I am, I need to head back to the office after I eat dinner and get back to reading/taking notes/writing/trying not to fall asleep and drool on the keyboard.
I also didn’t realize how much I appreciated my relaxation time before bed at night – watching a favorite show or two while sipping a glass of cabernet and nibbling on some dark chocolate. It has been a difficult transition, giving that time up. And the wine…definitely the wine – I am convinced that when this is all over and I have my degree in hand, my tolerance will be so low that just a whiff of some whisky and I will be boiled as an owl!
And now I am reaping what I sowed…I will likely be sending an imperfectly written, not-quite-finished-yet draft exactly at 1:59 AM (the latest I can submit and be considered on time). Luckily, I have done enough reading of the literature that I feel I can read as I go and still do a quality job. Regardless, a draft is due tonight, no matter what shape it is in. I hope to have it in fairly decent form before I turn it in, so without further ado…let the marathon writing session begin!
You need some sugar!
In a previous post, I shared a recipe for a pumpkin spice latte – I hope no one has had the chance to try it yet because I forgot to mention one important ingredient – sugar! I like to use german rock sugar, but use what you’ve got on hand. About 1-2 teaspoons. I have updated the post here.
Thesis Proposal = Approved!
Woohoo!! I was so excited, I had to dig out the glitter pony for this one. The deadline for my next chapter is coming up on Monday, and I have a lot of work to do on it yet, so I was worried that my proposal would come back needing a 2nd draft.
But it didn’t. And the comments I received were ego-boosting, which always helps me (yes, this means I often need outside approval for my actions because the voices in my head don’t like me very much…but hey, who doesn’t like to be told nice things about their work?).
Take care and have a beautiful day!
The Art of Avoidance 